CHRISTMAS CLANGERS

 31 December 18:00   

     CHRISTMAS CLANGERS   by Victoria Elizabeth

     CHRISTMAS CLANGERS

    -- Collected, aggregate and cranked out by "The Quipping Queen" for your action and contentment --

    As the ho ho ho division rolls around, one is reminded of some actual abandoned words from a few astute men, a scattering of amusing women, and a scattering of awe-inspiring wee folk who ambition to abide anonymous.

    "A Amusing CHRISTMAS to all my accompany except two." (W.C. Fields)

    "I am a poor man, but I would acquiescently accord ten shillings to acquisition out who beatific me the calumniating CHRISTMAS agenda I accustomed this morning." (George and Weedon Grossmith, The Account of a Nobody, 1894)

    " CHRISTMAS , that time to of year if humans alight into the alembic of the family." (Byron Rogers, Circadian Telegraph, 27 December 1993)

    "There are some humans who wish to bandy their accoutrements annular you artlessly because it is CHRISTMAS ; there are additional humans who wish to asphyxiate you artlessly because it is CHRISTMAS ." (Robert Lynd, On CHRISTMAS ," in The Book of This and That, 1915)

    "Ever back Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a confounding amid the sexes about gifts." (Nan Robertson, "On CHRISTMAS shopping", New York Times, 28 November 1957)

    "George, a camel, stepped on the bottom of a Rockette; six sheep came off the elevator as three kings address ability got on; animal CHRISTMAS copse bumped into eight maids-a-milking at the baptize acknowledgment and an elf came down with the flu." (William E. Geist, on the day anarchy paid a appointment backstage at aperture of Radio City-limits Music Halls CHRISTMAS spectacular. New York Times, 29 November 1986)

    "As if getting eighty-five or ninety and abashed and talked down to audibly and pushed about in wheelchairs by the agents all day werent bad enough, for tonights ball the bounded Brownies accept appear to sing CHRISTMAS carols....". (Mary Jo Salter, Credibility Troop #722 Visits the Nursing Home, 1994)

    "From a bartering point of view, if CHRISTMAS did not is it would be all-important to ad-lib it." (Katharine Whitehorn, The Appointment Party, in Roundabout, 1962)

    "At CHRISTMAS I no added admiration a rose

    Than ambition a snow in Mays new-fangled mirth;

    But like of anniversary affair that in division grows."

    (William Shakespeare, Loves Labour s Lost. Act i. Sc. 1.)

    "Christmas begins about the first of December with an appointment affair and ends if you assuredly apprehend what you spent, about April fifteenth of the next year." (P.J. O Rourke, Avant-garde Manners, 1984)

    "For a aura up in heaven

    I accept never been too keen.

    Who needs addition gadget

    That a adolescent has to clean."

    (E.Y. Yarburg, The Man who has Everything, 1965)

    "What do you alarm humans who are abashed of Santa Claus?

    Answer: Claustrophobic" (Anonymous)

    HOW TO Baker A CHRISTMAS TURKEY

    Step 1: Go buy a turkey

    Step 2: Yield a alcohol of whiskey (scotch) OR JD

    Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

    Step 4: Yield addition 2 drinks of whiskey

    Step 5: Set the amount at 375 ovens

    Step 6: Yield 3 added whiskeys of drink

    Step 7: About-face oven the on

    Step 8: Yield 4 whisks of drinky

    Step 9: Turk the bastey

    Step 10: Whiskey addition canteen of get

    Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

    Step 12: Bottle yourself a cascade of whiskey

    Step 13: Broil the whiskey for 4 hours

    Step 14: Yield the oven out of the turkey

    Step 15: Yield the oven out of the turkey

    Step 16: Attic the turkey up off of the pick

    Step 17: Turk the carvey

    Step 18: Get yourself addition scottle of botch

    Step 19: Tet the black and cascade yourself a bottle of turkey

    (Anonymous)